An
Open Letter of Thanks to the President of United States
Thank
You George Bush, We Understand Now
By
Anwaar Hussain
Mr.
President Sir,
You
are my president too even if I am not an American. Planet earth
should start getting used to the idea of the American president
being it. You don’t know me. But then how does that matter?
You do not know countless others as well whom you, and your friends,
so regularly relieve of their pitiful existence on daily basis.
Remember Afghanistan. That those Taliban brutes did not have gratitude
shows their upbringing. Imbeciles….et al... One only expected
them to say a few words of thanks to you, sir, before they were
so expensively Daisy Cuttered.
After
all how many of us get such grand final moments. We appreciate
what you are doing for the world at large and the Muslim world
in particular. Although there are some amongst us who needlessly
complain of pain and misery, these voices are far and few in between.
God willing, their numbers will further reduce by the time you
are through with your Iraq campaign. I would even suggest that
the Muslim world start celebrating the Thanksgiving Day, but with
a difference. This celebration should be solely in your name and
not the Lord above. For the Lord above doesn’t seem to possess
this Cutter, Tomahawk and Predator stuff. We know who does and
we understand.
Though
it was painful initially to see those Afghans hobbling about on
their stumps to avoid your wrath, we got used to it as the time
passed. After a while, we began to see your logic. Humanity at
large would be better off if it was rid of these grotesque apparitions
shuffling about on their clutches, marring beautiful landscapes.
We are only sorry that you did not take out fully their only industry
when you were at it. I mean the factories producing artificial
limbs for these specters of humanity. It is these factories that
are keeping these remaining hideous creatures afoot.
I
hope Rumsfeld, under your able guidance, would keep this in mind
the next time around. Your own institutions put the number of
people you neutralized at a puny 10,000. That is just four people
for every one killed in the twin Towers. First of all these people
of yours coming out with the numbers that you neutralized is highly
unpatriotic. Secondly, even if they did, they should have highlighted
the fact that had it not been for that very strong streak of mercy
in your mother of all hearts, who could have stopped you from
killing another 100,000 of these wretches. After all not very
far back the Russians erased well above one million of these blots.
These soft-hearted MIT/ Harvard types did not even highlight the
fact of collateral damage sufficiently. Now that is intellectual
dishonesty if there ever was one.
I
hope you dispatch them all with equal efficiency. And sir, we
really delighted in the neutralizing of Afghan women and children
in that marriage party. Remember? I wish I was in the cockpit
of one of those C-130 Gunships. I am sure the pilots must have
been able to virtually see the hopeless terror on the faces of
those terrorist women and children, what with the slow speed of
the C-130 and a cockpitful of gadgets. It must have been lovely
with all these terrorist women and children trying to hide behind
small bushes in open fields and your brave pilots turning them
into pulp with disdainful flicks of their trigger fingers. Wow.
Not that your pilots did a bad job, but we were sorry to hear
later that only 200 of them could be neutralized, the other hundred
got away. Terrorist’s mothers, daughters, sisters, wives
and children are all terrorists. We are one with you on that and
we understand.
And
sir, your friendship with that Northern Alliance cherub Dostum
is a prime example of how sometimes greatness like yours exhibits
rare flashes of brilliance for the good of humanity at large.
We are impressed with your ability to spot talent from such a
distance. I mean appearances could be deceptive and one only had
to look at the saintly countenance of this Dostum guy to fall
for him. Any other president and this guy would have landed himself
the job of a Chaplain in the White House. You not only did not
do that, you entrusted him with finding the least expensive way
of disposing off thousands of these Taliban types right in the
midst of all these nosy reporters.
Had
it not been for the ingenious idea of putting them in containers
and letting them fry to death, you would have had to waste a few
more Daisy Cutters. And with teeming Iraqi children still alive
and kicking, God knows that would have been a stupid waste. Talking
of that, sir, we were a bit disappointed with your father at the
time for not having done a good job of it when the opportunity
still existed. But with you rearing up in his backyard, we now
know who is having the last laugh. We now understand.
These
Muslims have a habit of complaining and wailing. Do not be distracted
by their noises. We few are proud of the way you are conducting
your affairs between the Israelis and the Palestinians. I mean
look at these Palestinian cowards blowing themselves up in the
midst of Israelis. We simply do not understand to what depths
these cowards can lower. We all know how Muslims proliferate.
Their lives are not at all equivalent to those who have your blessings.
Moreover, a man half as intelligent as you Mr. President can see
the abject spinelessness of taking one’s own life for a
dim little cause. Anyone could do that. Why can’t people
understand these simple facts? And then these Palestinian terrorists
have the cheeks to simply die away with their victims and deprive
your friends of a nice little talk in the cozy privacy of one
of their jails. Cowardice is writ large all over these acts. How
unreasonable can Muslims get sometimes? We often wonder. Although
some of us think that you went a little too far in calling this
Sharon character a man of peace, they keep showing pictures of
small Palestinian babies with holes in their chests the size of
a grown man’s fist, yet again they miss the point. These
babies are like little snakes. If they are allowed to grow, they
will turn into hydra-headed monsters and then it will be too late.
Better now than later. Sharon does this with a heavy heart, we
know, and needs a little understanding from us Muslims. Do advise
Sharon to file off those fangs though. Every time he opens his
mouth they show.
And
friends like us are at a loss to justify the next peace Nobel
for him. And look at the ruckus created by pro-Muslim lobbies
when the Israelis caught 150 rifles being smuggled to the Palestinians.
Thanks God those did not reach these terrorists. I shudder at
the thought of what would have happened if those did. That you,
sir, provide the Israelis with $ 5 billions worth of arms every
year is a fact misunderstood by most of these Muslims. Only a
handful few of us know that these arms are for destroying cattle
and sheep in the Arabian Peninsula in case the mad cow disease
does reach here. These Muslims cannot be trusted with even that.
We understand.
Take,
for example, this latest Iraq thing that you have. They keep accusing
you of all these absurd designs, oil being in forefront. North
Korea has been brought on to the center stage by the oily Sheikhs
to distract you yet again. I hope you remain focused. For the
North Koreans are not Muslims. And as such do not merit being
the targets of your valuable reserves of hatred. Furthermore,
the word ‘North’ must ring some bells in your mind.
Such countries and alliances are supposed to be friends. Remember
the Northern Alliance. We understand that things do get difficult
for you given your attention span, but get help once again from
Condo Rice, Rumsfeld, Ashcroft and Co. They have this thing for
Muslims and can be trusted blindly to come up with fair and just
solutions where Muslims are concerned. (That reminds me; do give
a pat on the back to that Rumsfeld guy for coming up with Guantanamo
Bay idea. Who knows what this shuffling little man with a brief
case is capable of next. If past performance is any indictor of
things to come, this man is going places. Keep him hugged close
to your presidential chest, sir.)
Our
hearts bled in sympathy then for Madeleine Albright when she admitted
on media that to kill half a million Iraqi children through sanctions
was a hard decision. Tell the present team to be tougher. There
are millions of Muslim children out there and the game has just
begun. Such lily-heartedness will not do. I hope you don’t
bring such heavy moments to us this time. And that is why, a little
request here, sir. This dying of malnutrition is a slow and painful
thing and not nice to watch too. Can we, sort of, speed things
up a little this time around? Although if you do take time, we
will understand. One more thing. Please do get on with it. We
have now been waiting for far too long with gleeful expectancy.
Do not just depend on these useless UN Inspectors. They are no
good to anybody. What proof are they talking of? The biggest proof
that we need is the proof of your conviction, just like in Afghanistan.
I think we already have that and it is sufficient to allow the
fun to start. So sir, let loose the dogs of war. And while you
are at it, show the world how cumbersome were the ways of that
man Hitler. Add at least an odd glorious chapter of your own to
Mein Kampf, if you do not have the writing skills to write one
whole book of your own. We will understand.
And
let us not bother reminding you of your policies regarding Muslims
of Kashmir, Philippines, Indonesia, Algeria and Chechnya. Those
are unnecessary distractions and you have a job at hand. This
is not a good time to remind you of their plight. No time is good
time when it comes to Muslims’ troubles anyway. These people
have a way of getting into others’ crosshairs and are only
getting what was coming their way for a long time. Muslim’s
grievances, if there ever was any such creature, can take a walk.
We understand.
See
sir, I was one of those countless millions of Muslims whose hearts
went out to the victims of 9/11. I watched the events with horror.
I felt a strong kinship with those innocent Americans as I watched
their final moments. I felt myself bonded to them in more ways
than one. I could imagine the pains and tribulations of their
dependents. I felt hot, palpable anger building up inside me against
the perpetrators.
I
condemned them from the core of my being. But that was then. Since
then, sir, you and your very able team of advisors have helped
clarify a few things for me. I do not know about others but in
my insane moments, I have begun to see the logic of suicide bombing.
And such moments are now coming with a disturbing frequency. Slowly,
but surely, you are pushing people like me into that clearer understanding.
I think we Muslims will thank you one day for this realization.
You may dismiss these lines as the ramblings of a mad Muslim.
That, sir, is your wish. I, for one, think I have begun to understand
and I thank you for that.
I
remain,
A
nameless, faceless Muslim.
P.S.
Remind Barbara not to tune into prime time CNN Iraq coverage before
dinner. Those ugly malnourished Iraqi children, with their extended
bellies, sort of kill the appetite. Tell her to watch “Everybody
Loves Raymond” instead.
The
writer is a UAE-based former officer of the Pakistan Air Force
